it’s the angle

I’m at a major point of transition in my life. Just weeks ahead of me is a major shift in my career. I’ve caught up to some critical realizations about myself—from how I’ve handled previous traumas and heartbreak, to how I’ve held on to attachments to perfection, even when it came to healing.

It’s a wild understatement of sorts when I say that I am an over-thinker. Having lived in survival mode for much of my life, I grew up learning to expect the worst. After almost a decade of therapy, reorganizing the relationships in my life, reclaiming my sense of identity, reconfiguring my neurophysiological response to the triggers of my past traumas, letting go of the guilt that’s previously come with setting boundaries, acknowledging the flaws of my own humanity, and honoring the time to breathe, I’m glad that I’ve finally got some things figured out.

And while I’ve got a lot more growing to do and corners to visit, I’m grateful for the path I’ve left behind me, now paved and safer to revisit whenever the time comes.

I think about that younger version of me—scared, helpless, and alone. I visit her from time to time to let her know I’m doing well, and when I sense she feels a little scared, I reach back and give her a hug.

puppy magic

There’s no need to sugar-coat things—I’ve been going through it. I’ve experienced so much loss in the last several weeks, on top of the ongoing existential crisis I’m navigating in response to the inescapable and seemingly endless horrors that have become the norm.

And just in case I wasn’t experiencing enough chaos in my life, I impulsively decided to foster a 6-month-old puppy. Here are the two of us when I picked her up:

Me and Lucy.

She didn’t have a name when I took her in, but she looked like a Lucy and she seemed to respond to it well. She was part of a litter that had been brought from Mexico, and she was the last pup left. Excitable, curious, and usually fearless, her tenacity and ability to pick up new skills brought a new sense of inspiration and brightness to me. Not leash-trained? No problem. Potty issues? We’ll work through it. Unsure of stairs? We’ll climb through them together. In the few days that I got to spend with her, I couldn’t believe how inspiring her sense of adventure was. I found myself walking her at all hours of the day and well into the dark night, unafraid just like her.

I had to give her up today, and it is easily one of the most heartbreaking experiences I’ve ever felt. Though we only spent a few days together, she taught me things about myself that I never knew I could value so much or needed. How could this little, young creature teach me so much in such little time?


Twenty years ago, I took my first trip back to Philippines to bury my maternal grandmother, who we affectionately called Mama. Before then, the last time I was home in Manila was when I was five. My mom, Mama, and I left for Los Angeles right after my fifth birthday, without me knowing it would be the last time I’d be home to see her.

If I could’ve gone home sooner, I would have. Having overstayed my tourist visa, I was then undocumented and risked a 10-year ban from the US and an indefinite separation from my mother. Though I became a naturalized citizen and have lived in the US since, I experience a permanent feeling of in betweenness, struggling to place home between here and there.

Over the course of a week, elders in my family, who I also consider as grandparents because of the way my culture is structured, will now be pursuing end of life care. I’ve been part of difficult phone and video calls trying to provide medical feedback and explanation—context—as best as I can, along with my uncle who is also a doctor, albeit in Australia.

My grandpa, who now faces palliative care for liver cancer, has very little understanding of his disease process. Having trained briefly as a surgical resident physician to specialize in liver disease, I have seen countless times how it ends. Meanwhile my grandma, who has end stage kidney disease—my family have decided that she is too fragile for dialysis and we’ve chosen to seek palliative care for her as well. In and out of lucidity, she also is not fully aware of her disease process. Opting out of dialysis was a tough choice, but since Mama suddenly went into cardiac arrest during dialysis at a much younger age and healthier state, we’ve decided that making her as comfortable as possible to make her last moments as joyful as possible is our utmost priority. Maybe it’s better that they don’t know.

They have a few months left. A year if we are lucky. I don’t know when I’ll see them again, given the state of COVID in Philippines. I haven’t been back since I buried Papa, my maternal grandfather, who succumbed to lung cancer around 2005.

The pain of separation feels somewhat surreal. There is never enough time. Today, my grandma, or Lola, as we say in Tagalog, sweetly serenaded us from the hospital while on video chat as we called in from California, Melbourne, Sydney, and other parts of Philippines. It was a bittersweet testimony to her strength and her love of family.

The ache of now forced distance is another consequence of this ongoing pandemic. I sit under the glow of the full moon with a sobering clarity and a tender heart.


After a long wait at the vet, I was finally able to take George home. I circled my neighborhood and all the surrounding streets for almost half an hour, finding parking a way’s way from my apartment. It was almost midnight, and I always feel uneasy walking home alone late at night. This night, already standing at the edge of my physical and emotional limits, I surprisingly felt brave and emboldened. One last mile to go.

I secured George into his carrier, which I wear on my front like a front version of a backpack. He’s too heavy and overall too large to carry in hand or in cross-body carriers, so I carry him on my front like a kangaroo carries a Joey. He was surprisingly curious and kept his head out to watch the cars passing by. Usually he keeps his head tucked in, threatened by booming noises from the street. Maybe he was just happy to be out of the animal hospital.

We had a long walk home, but fortunately along well-lit streets. I ran into a row of electric scooters, which were a welcome solution to my long, final uphill walk. I scanned the QR code and struggled to find balance hopping on, with George on my front and my backpack on my back, hobbling on like an awkward upright turtle. The guys at the corner taco stand on the other side of the broad intersection cheered and applauded as I pushed with my right foot and got going. I didn’t know I needed it but I was grateful.

I rode up the hill to my apartment, George lulled to sleep by the ride and now snoozing soundly. I parked the scooter and passed through the garden walkway to my doorstep. We were both happy to be home.

Rise and Shine

It rained yesterday morning, a welcome cleanse from an ever-present tense, palpable heaviness.

A couple of my friends joined me at my place for ladies’ brunch and an afternoon spent painting.

I decided to recreate a drawing I made a few years ago while looking out my window. This drawing, originally left simple—intentionally barren—came to life in this updated version.

Rise and Shine

art imitating life imitating art

Today after work, I decided to combine two of my favorite hobbies—gardening and painting. I’d been growing a pineapple top since late last year, and it’s sprouted more than double the leaves it started with. To celebrate, I gave its planter a new look.

I present… meta piña:

A pineapple in a pineapple.

This was a fun, low stress project and a perfect way to close out a number of stressful weeks.